Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Crazy Day

Riddle me this -

Why has a certain mommy cleaned her bathtub with Mr. Clean and/or Clorox about 5 times in the last month - You surely don't have to think too hard to come up with the right answer. What's that - You guess it's because I am anal retentive about having a clean bathtub - OONK!!! No, No.

It would be because a certain almost-2-year-old has decided it's his favorite place to go "EWW." The "Eww" expression, of course, is what he always exclaims following his natural (or unnatural - you pick) tendancy to go poopy somewhere other than the toilet.

How about his red face from eating strawberries on Jackson's fieldtrip to Vollmer Farm earlier today. I could dedicate a whole post to the earlier half of the day, so I just might do that next time.

On that note - I have to share this forward I got from Pa. I have a feeling there will be more people out there who enjoy it just as much as I did.

Why English Teachers Die Young

Every year, English teachers from across the country can submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners...

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard beeps, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.


Fawn said...

Oh Leah...I just had to let you know that our 2 year old has been sportin the same scrape on his forehead since Sunday. Oh and I am so sorry to hear about the "Eww" in your tub. Not fun! This shall pass too. :)

Emily said...

Would you believe we went more than 2 years with no poop in the bathtub? And then 3 times in the last couple months.

Those analogies were pretty funny. I thought the one about the Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup was funny, but that was when I was picturing CANS of vegetable soup. Then I figured out what he meant and I thought it was gross.

Joella Hancock Morris said...

I had a good laugh reading those analogies. I've been trying to come up with an analogy on how much I've been laughing, but I got nothing. I'll keep thinking, and maybe I'll have one to report tomorrow.

leigh anna said...

oh leah! you crack me up!!

Susan Hancock said...

I love the red mouth!! But does Carter have a boo-boo on his forehead? We will see you for a few minutes tomorrow- we won't be able to stay long because we will be leaving from Aunt Doris' funeral and then haave to be at the Taggarts at 6 or 6:30. I will call you later today.

Anna and Ryan said...

Oh Leah, those were hilarious. I laughed so hard it was like when you're in the school cafeteria and you've just taken a sip of milk from the carton and someone tells a joke and that big sip of milk comes shooting out your nose. Just like that. Except I wasn't drinking milk and nothing shot out of my nose.